{"id":10245,"date":"2021-12-13T16:37:30","date_gmt":"2021-12-13T21:37:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/resolve.org\/?page_id=10245"},"modified":"2025-03-21T15:36:46","modified_gmt":"2025-03-21T19:36:46","slug":"talking-about-infertility","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/resolve.org\/get-help\/helpful-advice\/infertility-and-relationships\/talking-about-infertility\/","title":{"rendered":"Talking About Infertility"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\t\t\n\t\t\t

Talking about infertility can be difficult for everyone including friends and family members. Learn communication tips for discussing this sensitive topic.<\/p>\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\"When\n\t\t

\n\t\t\tWhat to Say to Your Friends and Family\n\t\t<\/h3>\n\t\t\t

When you are experiencing infertility<\/a>, communicating with family and friends can be difficult and challenging. Even the most caring relative or friend may offer a “helpful” suggestion that will appear wildly insensitive to you. Here are some tips for talking about infertility with family and friends, if you decide to do so.<\/p>\t\t\n\t\t\t\tCommunication Tips\n\t\t\t\t

Decide how much detail you and your partner want to share.<\/strong> Respect each other’s need for privacy about certain details.<\/p>\n

It may help to rehearse exactly what you are going to say.<\/strong> Decide on specific words or phrases to use, such as of “infertility” or “we are trying to get pregnant and seem to be having a problem”<\/p>\n

Pick a time to talk when people are not rushed or distracted.<\/strong> Make sure it is a private place where you won’t feel embarrassed to show emotion.<\/p>\n

Explain that infertility is a life crisis.<\/strong> 1 in 6 couples, or more than 7 million people experience infertility.<\/p>\n

Let them know how they can support you<\/strong>-whether you want phone calls, questions, etc.<\/p>\n

Explain that you may need a break from family gatherings,<\/strong> and that it isn’t about them-it’s about using your energy wisely.<\/p>\n

Tell them that you will share results about a treatment or procedure when you feel up to it<\/strong>, and not to ask about pregnancy tests or treatment results.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\tCommon Scenarios\n\t\t\t\t

The following are scenarios that many of our members have found themselves in and responses you can use when you are asked a sensitive question.<\/p>\n

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What they said…
“When are you going to stop concentrating on your career and start a family?”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Response A: <\/strong>“I don’t believe my job and a family are mutually exclusive. My career is advancing, and I’m very proud of my work. When we feel the time is right, we will consider starting our family.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Response B: “<\/strong>Right now I have two careers: one is my job which you know about and the other is trying to become pregnant. You probably wouldn’t believe how exhausting and time-consuming infertility treatment can be; it really feels like a second job.”<\/em><\/p>\n

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What they said…
“You used to talk about combining a career and a family. How are those plans coming along? Will we ever get to be grandparents?”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Response: <\/strong>“I truly hope that someday you will have grandchildren. Whether I have children biologically or through adoption, I look forward to sharing that happiness with you.”<\/em><\/p>\n

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What they said…
“I wish you’d take one of my kids-they drive my absolutely crazy!”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Response A: <\/strong>“Oh thanks, then they’d drive me crazy!”<\/em>
Response B: <\/strong>“I know that parenting is a really difficult job, but I’m really looking forward to that challenge and experience.”<\/em><\/p>\n

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What they said…
“You can always adopt.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Response A: <\/strong>“Adoption is an option I am considering. I have to resolve some medical issues and must grieve the loss of the possibility of not having a biological child before considering adoption.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Response B: “<\/strong>I have considered adoption very carefully and have decided it is not for me, and am considering a childfree life, if I am unable to conceive a child.”<\/em><\/p>\n

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How to deal when someone close is pregnant
“Guess what? I’m pregnant!”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

These are the hardest words to hear from a friend or relative. The best you can do with this one is explain why you are unable to celebrate wholeheartedly.<\/p>\n

Response A (keep it short and sweet): <\/strong>“That is great news. Congratulations.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Response B: <\/strong>“I’m happy for you, but it is difficult to hear when I cannot get pregnant. That is a really tough time for me, so please understand if I am unable to attend your shower or listen to your happy moments. I am working through my infertility, and the pain is still great.”<\/em><\/p>\n\t\t

\n\t\t\tWhat to Say to Your Infertile Friend or Family Member\n\t\t<\/h3>\n\t\t\t

When you have a friend or family member who has been diagnosed with infertility, discussions about their family building journey can be difficult and challenging. Even your most innocent “helpful” suggestion may appear wildly insensitive to your infertile friend or family member. Here are some tips for talking about infertility and the family building journey, if you decide to do so.<\/p>\t\t\n\t\t\t\tTo Say\n\t\t\t\t

Let them know that you care.<\/strong> The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.<\/p>\n

Do your research.<\/strong> Read up about infertility<\/a>, and possibly treatments or other family building options your friend is considering, so that you are informed when your friend needs to talk.<\/p>\n

Act interested.<\/strong> Some people don’t want to talk about infertility, but some do. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk.<\/p>\n

Ask them what they need.<\/strong> They may also appreciate if you ask them what the most helpful things to say are.<\/p>\n

Provide extra outreach to your male friends.<\/strong> Infertility is not a woman’s-centric issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.<\/p>\n

When appropriate, encourage therapy.<\/strong> If you feel your friend could benefit from talking to a professional to handle his or her grief, suggest therapy gently. If you go to therapy regularly, or ever have, share your personal story.<\/p>\n

Support their decision to stop treatment.<\/strong> No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief.<\/p>\n

Remember them on Mother’s and Father’s Day.<\/strong> With all of the activity on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers. Remember your infertile friends on these days; they will appreciate knowing that you haven’t forgotten them.<\/p>\n

Attend difficult appointments with them.<\/strong> You can offer to stay in the waiting room or come into the appointment with them. But the offer lets them know how committed you are to supporting them.<\/p>\n

Watch their older kids.<\/strong> Attending appointments may be difficult if they have older kids at home.<\/p>\n

Offer to be an exercise buddy.<\/strong> Sometimes losing weight is necessary to make treatments more effective. If you know they are trying to lose weight, you could offer to join them because it would help you achieve your personal fitness goals<\/a> as well.<\/p>\n

Let them know about your pregnancy.<\/strong> But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\tNot To Say\n\t\t\t\t

Don’t tell them to relax.<\/strong> Comments such as “just relax<\/em>” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.<\/p>\n

Don’t minimize the problem.<\/strong> Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,<\/em>” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain.<\/p>\n

Don’t say there are worse things that could happen.<\/strong> Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.<\/p>\n

Don’t say they are not meant to be parents.<\/strong> One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother<\/em>.'” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.<\/p>\n

Don’t ask why they are not trying IVF.<\/strong> Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.<\/p>\n

Don’t push adoption or another solution<\/strong>. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.<\/p>\n

Don’t say,<\/strong> “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant<\/em>.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.<\/p>\n

Don’t gossip about your friend’s condition.<\/strong> For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friend’s privacy.<\/p>\n

Don’t be crude.<\/strong> Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like, “I’ll donate the sperm<\/em>” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination<\/em>” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.<\/p>\n

Don’t complain about your pregnancy.<\/strong> For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend.<\/p>\n

Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child.<\/strong> Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility – infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child.<\/p>\n

Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor.<\/strong> Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor.<\/strong> 1\/3 of infertility is female factor, 1\/3 is male factor, and 1\/3 is unexplained.<\/p>\n\t\t

\n\t\t\tInfertility & Relationships\n\t\t<\/h5>\n\t